Indirect aggressors, or “passive-aggressives” as they are labeled by psychologists, seem to be very agreeable on the surface. They seem cooperative; they always say yes. However, they have an enormous capacity to thwart you when they choose. During our careers, it’s quite likely that we’ve all worked with, for, or led indirect aggressors. At the height of passive aggressive situations, are cringe moment conversations many people avoid.
People that are passive-aggressive never come out and tell you what bothers them. They practically never show their anger; instead, they sneak up on you. They make mistakes that can be pardoned or explained, such as forgetting or misunderstanding the point.
Passive-aggressives share traits with more blatantly aggressive people: they manipulate, intrude and exploit when it suits their needs. Because of their fear of direct conflict, they use methods they hope you won’t discover.
The following are some general tips for confronting passive-aggressive people:
- Don’t get defensive or angry. Passive aggressives feed on the anger of others. When confronted, they will only get worse.
- Point out unacceptable behavior and explain why it must improve. Get the person’s suggestions about what he thinks he can do to improve the situation. Example: “What do you see as choices in handling this situation?” or, “What would you like to see happen with this situation?”
- Don’t accept excuses. If the passive-aggressive claims the screw-up wasn’t his fault or his responsibility, stress that he must be accountable. Example: “I hear you blaming _____. What is your role in this?”
- Don’t put yourself in a position of dependency. You cannot depend on passive-aggressives. They won’t come through when you really need them.
Different kinds of passive-aggressives pose different kinds of problems. In the next sections, I will describe how button pushers and manipulators show up as passive-aggressive and offer tactics tailored to deal with each one.
Button Pushers
Most of us have two or three sensitive areas – soft spots where we’re vulnerable and others can manipulate us. When people push those buttons, we go into automatic response pattern. Those are the areas where we keep getting manipulated. If you know where your problem areas are, you can take protective measures to keep button pushers from getting to you. It will also help you prepare if you have to enter a cringe moment conversation and address this behavior.
There are a lot of button pushers around. They never ask you outright for anything, of course. Before you know it, you are doing their bidding and asking yourself, “How did I get into this one?”
How do you know when someone is pushing your buttons? Most people know that they’re being manipulated when:
- You feel uncomfortable and don’t know the reason why
- You might feel anxious, pushed around, angry or overly compliant when with a button pusher
- You may resist seeing this person
- You may try too hard to please someone or steer the conversation away from important topics
Defining the “Buttons”
The following is a list of the most common buttons.
- People Pleasing.
If you feel that people will like you only if you please and accommodate them, you’re in big trouble. You’ll do almost anything others want to make them happy. Button pushers know this; as a result, count on them to say things like, “I know I can count on you . . . I don’t know what I’d do without you . . .” to get you to do their bidding.
- Fear of Conflict.
If you’re afraid of others’ anger, the button pusher will threaten to have a tantrum. Tip-off button pusher phrases: “Let me make my position perfectly clear . . . If you don’t like it, speak up now . . .” “I don’t want to start an argument, but . . .”
- Need for Acceptance.
If you have to fit in with the crowd, you’re prey for the button pusher who threatens to embarrass you. Tip-off button-pusher phrases: “Everyone I’ve spoken to agrees that . . .” “I know what a team player you are . . .” “As I’m sure you know. . .”
- Discomfort with Silence.
If you feel rejected or disapproved by people who don’t respond to you, you’re at the mercy of button pushers who wait for your response, sulk, stare you down, never crack a smile or ignore you.
- Perfectionism.
If you have to do everything perfectly, or if you tend to take on more than you can handle, you’ll be vulnerable to intimations that you can’t handle a particular task. Tip-off phrases: “Maybe I’m asking too much of you, but . . .” “It isn’t how I would have handled it, but . . .” “You look tired; are you spreading yourself too thin?”
- Competitiveness.
If you love to win and hate to lose, you’re an easy mark for insidious comparisons. Tip-off phrases: “The person who had this job before you . . .” “You’re the only one on my staff who doesn’t . . .” “Harry finds time to . . .”
- A Short Temper.
If you’re easily angered, a button pusher can set you off by needling you, teasing you, or embarrassing you. The button pusher will find out what gets you going. Then, after you blow up, he plays the role of the injured party. Tip-off phrases: “What did I do to deserve that?” “You’re too sensitive; I was only joking.”
- Being a Sucker for Flattery.
We all love a compliment, but some of us are so insecure that we’re overly grateful for praise or recognition. We feel we have to repay it. Tip-off phrases: “I know it’s asking a lot, but only you can do this job.” “You’re the only one I trust.”
Strategies to Resist Manipulation
- Say the four magic words: “I need more time.”
Most people get manipulated because they get overwhelmed. They succumb to the time pressure the manipulator is putting on them to make a quick decision. Recognize that one of your inalienable human rights is to stall. Give yourself time to reflect on what decision you ultimately want to make.
- Understand Where the Button Pusher is Coming From.
Some people are manipulative because they feel threatened or powerless. These types have gone to the other extreme. They have learned to be dishonest in an effort to overcompensate. Understanding won’t make you less vulnerable – it will make you less angry. That, in turn will make it easier to think of a way to deal with the situation.
- Try “Fogging.”
This is a psychological term that means agreeing in principle with the truth of what the manipulator says in order to out manipulate him. Example: Your boss tries to pressure you into doing a job you don’t want to do by saying that you’re the only one who can handle it. You agree, saying, “Yes, I probably would be the best choice for the job. But I can’t do it right now.” So to outfox the manipulator, always agree in principle, but keep repeating your refusal to go along with his request.
- Question the Person.
Reveal your observation (feeling) that you’re being manipulated via a question. Example: Your boss tries to get you to agree with him by saying, “I know you’ll do this because you’re a real team player.” You respond innocently, “Are you trying to pressure me into this decision?”
- Use a Humorous Remark.
Deflect the manipulation with humor. Examples: “You wouldn’t be trying to guilt-trip me into this, would you?” “If I’m that indispensable, maybe I should ask for a raise.”
- Agree to What the Button Pusher Wants, But Let Him Know You’re on to Him.
Example: “Sure, I’ll do that for you, but don’t think I fell for your hard luck story.”
When it comes to navigating button pushers and manipulation, the best strategy is to dive into the cringe moment conversation head on. Addressing passive aggressors with confidence once will limit future occurrences.
The following is a list of the most common buttons.
- People Pleasing.
If you feel that people will like you only if you please and accommodate them, you’re in big trouble. You’ll do almost anything others want to make them happy. Button pushers know this; as a result, count on them to say things like, “I know I can count on you . . . I don’t know what I’d do without you . . .” to get you to do their bidding.
- Fear of Conflict.
If you’re afraid of others’ anger, the button pusher will threaten to have a tantrum. Tip-off button pusher phrases: “Let me make my position perfectly clear . . . If you don’t like it, speak up now . . .” “I don’t want to start an argument, but . . .”
- Need for Acceptance.
If you have to fit in with the crowd, you’re prey for the button pusher who threatens to embarrass you. Tip-off button-pusher phrases: “Everyone I’ve spoken to agrees that . . .” “I know what a team player you are . . .” “As I’m sure you know. . .”
- Discomfort with Silence.
If you feel rejected or disapproved by people who don’t respond to you, you’re at the mercy of button pushers who wait for your response, sulk, stare you down, never crack a smile or ignore you.
- Perfectionism.
If you have to do everything perfectly, or if you tend to take on more than you can handle, you’ll be vulnerable to intimations that you can’t handle a particular task. Tip-off phrases: “Maybe I’m asking too much of you, but . . .” “It isn’t how I would have handled it, but . . .” “You look tired; are you spreading yourself too thin?”
- Competitiveness.
If you love to win and hate to lose, you’re an easy mark for insidious comparisons. Tip-off phrases: “The person who had this job before you . . .” “You’re the only one on my staff who doesn’t . . .” “Harry finds time to . . .”
- A Short Temper.
If you’re easily angered, a button pusher can set you off by needling you, teasing you, or embarrassing you. The button pusher will find out what gets you going. Then, after you blow up, he plays the role of the injured party. Tip-off phrases: “What did I do to deserve that?” “You’re too sensitive; I was only joking.”
- Being a Sucker for Flattery.
We all love a compliment, but some of us are so insecure that we’re overly grateful for praise or recognition. We feel we have to repay it. Tip-off phrases: “I know it’s asking a lot, but only you can do this job.” “You’re the only one I trust.”
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